If today you ask me whats the one thing that drives me. I wont be able to answer. it used to be about building myself from the ground, about being able to look back at my life and being happy that most of it went great. It used to be about following my dreams and working towards being great but now its all secondary to really getting to know who i really am.
If today you ask me who i am. Thats another question that i cant answer. I need to know that though and i guess now thats my main goal. Finding out who i really am…. Coz up until now i haven’t been living a real life. Im a Walking cliche, a living breathing stereotype, a guy that hasnt really achieved anything of value.
In many ways im still the same scared kid i was in 7th grade, im still finding my feet, im still testing life out, i have passions but they aren’t what drive me, i love food but i cant talk about it for prolonged periods of time like many people around me, i try to blend in with the world around me but in the bottom of my heart all im really feeling is a sense of disconnect.
I dont know if i went wrong at some point in my life, i dont know if i was was supposed to end up like the person i am today. Coz i keep telling myself im a good person but i somehow dont really believe it. I have a bunch of confidence but no self esteem. Im good at a lot of stuff but all i can think about is the stuff i suck at. I have a lot of friends, but not many people to really talk to.
My love life is a ball of wool that got burnt up and digested by a cow which was then killed for meat. Plus i have the shadow of cancer hanging over my head at all points of time.
I guess change isnt easy, i guess fate is what we decide to do with our lives, so starting tomorrow. I change. For better or for worse. All i know is i have to. And step one of the process is dumping cancer ( no more smoking ).
So this is it people. A Big decision in my life, a decision ive made before but havnt really followed. But some things just need to be done.